Relationships are a funny thing. Funnier yet? The palethera of young men I chose for various past relationships. I had no type. There is no rhyme or reason to the "chosen ones" except for the stage I was at in my life.
14- young, naive- I fell for the popular, tall, good looking- all around American Guy. That is until, like all young 1st loves at 14 years old- died. I cried into my pillow- my heart smashed into pieces- that is, for a few weeks- until I fell for guy #2 - Mr. Sensitive actor. He was a few years older and I fell HARD. We read Shakespear, talked about various philosophers, the deeper meaning of life. When the snow fell- he offered to carry me in his arms so my feet wouldn't get wet. I declined- the sole reason- there was no way Mr. Actor had the physical strength or physique to even pick me up. Ours was a whirlwind courtship - the first guy to say "I love you". Poetry readings by moonlight- dances under the stars- and verbal passion. Declarations of love- followed by heated, intense arguments. Such a thin line between love and hate. The relationship went sour when he broke up with me to go off to college. I gave him back his class ring- only to watch him throw it into the shrubs in my yard, dramatically stating, "If you don't have it- I don't want any girl to!" He compared himself to the song "Bohemian Rhapsody"--- telling me when he "found" himself- he'd be back for me. He drove away with my heart that fatal afternoon. The ending of that relationship truly broke something inside of me for good- that i never recovered. It was more painful than any other relationship ending to date. Life moved forward--- 2 years I pined for Mr. Sensitive Actor. I remember clearly the day his wedding invitation came- I could not bear to open it- much less actually go to his happily ever after.
2 years later- having lost all hope of ever finding the passion of the past- I met Mr. Ordinary. A little pudgy- not tall at all- wearing a baseball cap and tshirt quite consistently. He was my best friend- and he loved me unconditionally. I was not attracted to him outwardly but he was the best kisser I'd ever had. How can you have a physical connection w/ someone you don't find physically attractive? It was pure craziness. This guy was the real deal... after 2 years- he wanted to marry me. I had very little reason not to- but I kept thinking, "would if there's someone more..." More what? I wasn't sure- just MORE. 2 1/2 years later- I let him go.... and crushed him unintentionally like Mr. Actor had crushed me.
I learned important lessons in those formidable years- the outside appearance has little to do w/ the inside- you can find true love early- dating can be a crushing experience- but you grow, laugh, love and change all the while. And oh yeah- you'll never be the same again. Each guy that came along in my life- taught me something- for there were many more interesting ones that came along-
Mr. Brooding/tough guy
Mr. non-commital artist
Mr. ex-body builder
yeah- I even had a Mr. Internet boy, what can i say?
But those stories---- will be left up to your imagination!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
My Grandpa--- memories
I am fortunate to have known all 4 Grandparents for my lifetime. I am one of the few who can say my Grandparents are as close to me as my own parents. I'm almost 30 years old and I have 3 out of the 4 still living.
My Grandpa has alheizheimers. This strong man who gives the biggest bear hugs is changing. He could fix anything and regularly did so- for his own family and then friends and friends of friends. He worked for the gas company and spent much of his career working nights in the ghetto. Always being a tough, muscular man with the biggest hands known to man--- he could protect himself. One particular call he answered in the middle of the night proved dangerous. He entered a house at 2 AM only to have the door swing shut behind him. He was surrounded by 4 burly ghetto guys. They circled in towards him. He dropped his tool bag, which served as a distraction. In the blink of an eye- he took 2 guys- one in each hand and cluncked their heads together. They were knocked out, laying on the floor. He punched the 3rd guy in the throat- down he went. The last "tough" guy stood there trembling. "What'll it be," my Grandpa asked. "I don't mean no trouble, man" the guy stammered. My Grandpa left. Word got around quickly in the inner city about my Granpda. He was a guy that would give the shirt off his back to the people who lived there; often fixing extra things for free. They also knew not to mess with him. Other guys from the gas company tried to work in the ghetto; each one resulting in numerous trips to the hospital. But, not my Grandpa- he was strong, respectable and did his best for the people there. That's just how he is.
My husband and I went over to my grandparent's house last night for pizza. My Grandpa talks and smiles but there is a distance in his eyes. He can't remember. He can't very well follow a conversation anymore. The disease has changed his personality, his mannerisms and a stranger has taken over his mind and body. The one thing unchanged- his big hands, still covered in callouses. The way he wraps me up in a big bear hug and still calls me his "#1 baby". "You're still my baby, you know," he'll say, "no matter how old you get". I smile and say, "I know Granpda, I know".
I can't help but wonder when he'll forget that I'm his baby. When will he forget that he likes to give bear hugs. When he'll stop carrying around a piece of blonde hair of my Grandma's from when she was 18 in his wallet. When he'll stop praying daily for his family. He use to pray for everyone by name- but he can't remember all the names.
I still have pieces of my Grandpa that alheizheimers has not yet taken. I hold onto those snippets tightly, never knowing when they will be gone- permanetly. I'm thankful for each and every day with him. The times I talk to him- I know he won't remember in an hour. But I've learned an important thing- to live in the moment. For in that moment that he hugs me tight, it brings joy to him. The things I tell him brings laughter, in that minute. Seeing a smile come to his face, living in real time is worth it. Though he can't remember- I do. And those current times will be memories that will stay with me always. It's not just about him- it's about me.... having my Granpda now. Enjoying him in "the now". Knowing it's change- but thankful for each and every day with him.
My Grandpa has alheizheimers. This strong man who gives the biggest bear hugs is changing. He could fix anything and regularly did so- for his own family and then friends and friends of friends. He worked for the gas company and spent much of his career working nights in the ghetto. Always being a tough, muscular man with the biggest hands known to man--- he could protect himself. One particular call he answered in the middle of the night proved dangerous. He entered a house at 2 AM only to have the door swing shut behind him. He was surrounded by 4 burly ghetto guys. They circled in towards him. He dropped his tool bag, which served as a distraction. In the blink of an eye- he took 2 guys- one in each hand and cluncked their heads together. They were knocked out, laying on the floor. He punched the 3rd guy in the throat- down he went. The last "tough" guy stood there trembling. "What'll it be," my Grandpa asked. "I don't mean no trouble, man" the guy stammered. My Grandpa left. Word got around quickly in the inner city about my Granpda. He was a guy that would give the shirt off his back to the people who lived there; often fixing extra things for free. They also knew not to mess with him. Other guys from the gas company tried to work in the ghetto; each one resulting in numerous trips to the hospital. But, not my Grandpa- he was strong, respectable and did his best for the people there. That's just how he is.
My husband and I went over to my grandparent's house last night for pizza. My Grandpa talks and smiles but there is a distance in his eyes. He can't remember. He can't very well follow a conversation anymore. The disease has changed his personality, his mannerisms and a stranger has taken over his mind and body. The one thing unchanged- his big hands, still covered in callouses. The way he wraps me up in a big bear hug and still calls me his "#1 baby". "You're still my baby, you know," he'll say, "no matter how old you get". I smile and say, "I know Granpda, I know".
I can't help but wonder when he'll forget that I'm his baby. When will he forget that he likes to give bear hugs. When he'll stop carrying around a piece of blonde hair of my Grandma's from when she was 18 in his wallet. When he'll stop praying daily for his family. He use to pray for everyone by name- but he can't remember all the names.
I still have pieces of my Grandpa that alheizheimers has not yet taken. I hold onto those snippets tightly, never knowing when they will be gone- permanetly. I'm thankful for each and every day with him. The times I talk to him- I know he won't remember in an hour. But I've learned an important thing- to live in the moment. For in that moment that he hugs me tight, it brings joy to him. The things I tell him brings laughter, in that minute. Seeing a smile come to his face, living in real time is worth it. Though he can't remember- I do. And those current times will be memories that will stay with me always. It's not just about him- it's about me.... having my Granpda now. Enjoying him in "the now". Knowing it's change- but thankful for each and every day with him.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Why do I love Ludington? It is a small town with the most beautiful pristine beaches anywhere. It is the town partially responsible for my husband and I falling in love.
We had just started "hanging out" and I had bought tickets for the "Newsboys" concert. It was the day before the concert when Rick received the call that his Grandpa was not doing well. I did not know him that well then. With the concert dissolved, we drove up to Ludington. Rick and I walked the shore, hand in hand as he spoke of his childhood. The sun sparkled on the waves as we made our way out to the pier. He pointed out the spot where him and his Grandma went fishing. I heard about the cane pole she used and how after fishing, they would pick up his Grandpa's check and get Kentucky Fried Chicken for everyone. He pointed out 'Johnny's' of Custer- a roller rink where he went skating. We drove by hayfields where he worked as a kid to- yep, you guessed it- earn money for rollerskating! Along the drive, he showed me the trailer he lived in with his mom and brother. Little pieces of this man came together like a puzzle.
I was honored to meet his Aunt and Grandpa. And more honored that he would introduce me into his world. Many more trips to Ludington came and went. Many more talks; both funny and serious. Worries seemed to disappear in this town and special memories were made. We were married 2 years later and of course- the honeymoon ended up being in Ludington!
This town is also the place we drove back up to during Rick's grandpa's last moments on earth. We were still just dating. And I watched my sweetheart approach his Grandpa's bed in the nursing home. I stood in the doorway and watched as he pushed the hair back from his Grandpa's eyes; rubbed his head and soothingly talked to him. I heard Rick praying, while clutching his Grandpa's hand, telling him it is ok and saying goodbye. Tears were in my eyes. I sat in the meeting while Rick supported his Aunt, as hospice talked to the 2 of them. In the saddest of moments, love welled in my heart for Rick. And Ludington was part of that.
A few weekends ago- we drove up to Ludington. Each trip is unique in its own way. We walked hand in hand throughout an art fare. We stopped at the local bakery, owned by the same family since 1904. We talked to the girl at the front desk of the Best Western- she was from Custer and Rick and her spent some time talking over past people in the town. And the evening ended at Stearns Park, watching a beautiful sunset dip below the water.
I don't know what it is about Ludington. Something calm and sweet and breathless takes place once we drive into this town. And I know many future memories will take place there. After all- it is the town that love built.... at least for the 2 of us.
We had just started "hanging out" and I had bought tickets for the "Newsboys" concert. It was the day before the concert when Rick received the call that his Grandpa was not doing well. I did not know him that well then. With the concert dissolved, we drove up to Ludington. Rick and I walked the shore, hand in hand as he spoke of his childhood. The sun sparkled on the waves as we made our way out to the pier. He pointed out the spot where him and his Grandma went fishing. I heard about the cane pole she used and how after fishing, they would pick up his Grandpa's check and get Kentucky Fried Chicken for everyone. He pointed out 'Johnny's' of Custer- a roller rink where he went skating. We drove by hayfields where he worked as a kid to- yep, you guessed it- earn money for rollerskating! Along the drive, he showed me the trailer he lived in with his mom and brother. Little pieces of this man came together like a puzzle.
I was honored to meet his Aunt and Grandpa. And more honored that he would introduce me into his world. Many more trips to Ludington came and went. Many more talks; both funny and serious. Worries seemed to disappear in this town and special memories were made. We were married 2 years later and of course- the honeymoon ended up being in Ludington!
This town is also the place we drove back up to during Rick's grandpa's last moments on earth. We were still just dating. And I watched my sweetheart approach his Grandpa's bed in the nursing home. I stood in the doorway and watched as he pushed the hair back from his Grandpa's eyes; rubbed his head and soothingly talked to him. I heard Rick praying, while clutching his Grandpa's hand, telling him it is ok and saying goodbye. Tears were in my eyes. I sat in the meeting while Rick supported his Aunt, as hospice talked to the 2 of them. In the saddest of moments, love welled in my heart for Rick. And Ludington was part of that.
A few weekends ago- we drove up to Ludington. Each trip is unique in its own way. We walked hand in hand throughout an art fare. We stopped at the local bakery, owned by the same family since 1904. We talked to the girl at the front desk of the Best Western- she was from Custer and Rick and her spent some time talking over past people in the town. And the evening ended at Stearns Park, watching a beautiful sunset dip below the water.
I don't know what it is about Ludington. Something calm and sweet and breathless takes place once we drive into this town. And I know many future memories will take place there. After all- it is the town that love built.... at least for the 2 of us.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Complete and Utter JOY
Psalm 126:3
The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
Joy is not an emotion; although it can be. It’s more of a state of mind and heart.
God fills me w/ love, life and JOY.
He makes me ALIVE!! Because of Him, I can truly REJOICE!
I am joyful for SO many reasons but all those reasons begin and end with my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has blessed me w/ many wonderful joyful moments that reflect back to Him! A few of them, I pondered below.
-Out West, I was camping with my family at Bryce Canyon. At midnight- we went to the side of the canyon and saw thousands of stars. To serve a Creator like that is AMAZING!!
-I was saved at a young age- but more memorable was my Baptism at 12 years of age. That whole night after I was baptized, I was filled with such peace and joy!
-Good friends- laughing ‘til our sides hurt
-Heart to heart talks
-Realness – in people. Where I’m at in my life- I LOVE people who are genuine!
-Florida- Howard Park Beach! I love driving thru the vegetation just to turn the corner and see ocean waves and blue sky--- it gets me misty eyed every time!
-Disney World- Lynds and I waiting for the park to open- listening to the countdown of the opening to the park that day. We both looked at each other and had so much joy we were crying!
-U.P. of Michigan – sitting on the dock doing devotions w/ Erin and singing praises to our God
-Ludington sunsets with my Sweetie!
-Ludington- driving down the main strip- small town feel – passing bed and breakfasts, hanging flower pots on lamp posts – pure JOY!
-Eating lunch on the wall by the river w/ Terry – talking about nothing and everything
-Pranks w/ Kara (and again- heart to heart talks too!)
-Christmas morning!
-My wedding day with Rick – one of the top joyful moments!
-Playing piano in the nursing home & seeing people w/ alheizhemers/dementia singing to all the old familiar hymns
-Serving God
-Singing praises to God along with 100 other college kids in our Chancel Singers choir
-Our last hurrah FL trip – being w/ friends – Blizzard beach!
-Playing w/ my nieces and nephew
-Being in church- listening to those around me sing - getting goosebumps- feeling the Holy Spirit- thinking this is a little slice of heaven
-My sisters- we’re all so different- yet we get each other
-Watching the Badger come in and waving at all the people on the boat. Everyone is laughing and waving and shouting as the Badger toots its horn.
-My husband’s laugh- then making me laugh
-Being married to my best friend
God has blessed all of us w/ joyful moments…..
Moments that SPARKLE DANCE..... moments made for WORSHIP!!
The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
Joy is not an emotion; although it can be. It’s more of a state of mind and heart.
God fills me w/ love, life and JOY.
He makes me ALIVE!! Because of Him, I can truly REJOICE!
I am joyful for SO many reasons but all those reasons begin and end with my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has blessed me w/ many wonderful joyful moments that reflect back to Him! A few of them, I pondered below.
-Out West, I was camping with my family at Bryce Canyon. At midnight- we went to the side of the canyon and saw thousands of stars. To serve a Creator like that is AMAZING!!
-I was saved at a young age- but more memorable was my Baptism at 12 years of age. That whole night after I was baptized, I was filled with such peace and joy!
-Good friends- laughing ‘til our sides hurt
-Heart to heart talks
-Realness – in people. Where I’m at in my life- I LOVE people who are genuine!
-Florida- Howard Park Beach! I love driving thru the vegetation just to turn the corner and see ocean waves and blue sky--- it gets me misty eyed every time!
-Disney World- Lynds and I waiting for the park to open- listening to the countdown of the opening to the park that day. We both looked at each other and had so much joy we were crying!
-U.P. of Michigan – sitting on the dock doing devotions w/ Erin and singing praises to our God
-Ludington sunsets with my Sweetie!
-Ludington- driving down the main strip- small town feel – passing bed and breakfasts, hanging flower pots on lamp posts – pure JOY!
-Eating lunch on the wall by the river w/ Terry – talking about nothing and everything
-Pranks w/ Kara (and again- heart to heart talks too!)
-Christmas morning!
-My wedding day with Rick – one of the top joyful moments!
-Playing piano in the nursing home & seeing people w/ alheizhemers/dementia singing to all the old familiar hymns
-Serving God
-Singing praises to God along with 100 other college kids in our Chancel Singers choir
-Our last hurrah FL trip – being w/ friends – Blizzard beach!
-Playing w/ my nieces and nephew
-Being in church- listening to those around me sing - getting goosebumps- feeling the Holy Spirit- thinking this is a little slice of heaven
-My sisters- we’re all so different- yet we get each other
-Watching the Badger come in and waving at all the people on the boat. Everyone is laughing and waving and shouting as the Badger toots its horn.
-My husband’s laugh- then making me laugh
-Being married to my best friend
God has blessed all of us w/ joyful moments…..
Moments that SPARKLE DANCE..... moments made for WORSHIP!!
Monday, July 2, 2007
Whatever happened to passion?
So much is on my heart this morning. I am not a fan of Christian radio but I was flipping through the stations and came upon a Christian song that spoke directly to me. Some of the lyrics were,
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for?
What became of the flame that made me feel more?
And when did I forget that...
I was made to love you.
I was made to find you.
I was made just for you- Made to adore you.
I was made to love - and be loved by you.
You were here before me.
You were waiting on me.
And you said you'd keep me.
Never would you leave me.
I was made to love and be loved by you.
The older I get in my faith- the easier it is to become stagnent. I have the head knowledge- but to be EXCITED about Christ is another matter. On my spiritual walk- lately there are less "mountain top" experiences and more living life in the valley. I yearn for PASSION. I yearn for EXCITEMENT. I want to drown in Christ's love- bask in his glory.
Growing up in the 'Baptist Church' my relationship w/ God often feels more guilt-ridden. I HAVE to do devotions or I feel guilty. A friend challenged me, "Do you think God wants you to feel 'guilted' into a relationship w/ him? Does God want you to spend time w/ him because you HAVE to.....or because you want to?" So, I am learning to let go. It's OK to not be regimented into praying or spending time in His Word. I pray because I WANT to. I read the Bible not every day anymore because I have to. Sometimes I go weeks without going into His Word and then I am HUNGRY to know my Savior and I dive in. It's ok to be emotional about God- not just factual.
I heard the above song on the radio by Toby Mac and the words jumped out at me. I AM made to love him AND be loved by HIM. I adore my God but HE created me for a purpose, a reason and He longs for me as a human being. He has a plan for my life. Wow. I cried in my car as I heard this song. It was reassurance that my God wants to keep me. I AM HIS.... no matter what I am going through- how I mess up- or how 'good' I am being. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT--- without conditions. And then I fall- with reckless abandonment- into His arms and it is SAFE.
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for?
What became of the flame that made me feel more?
And when did I forget that...
I was made to love you.
I was made to find you.
I was made just for you- Made to adore you.
I was made to love - and be loved by you.
You were here before me.
You were waiting on me.
And you said you'd keep me.
Never would you leave me.
I was made to love and be loved by you.
The older I get in my faith- the easier it is to become stagnent. I have the head knowledge- but to be EXCITED about Christ is another matter. On my spiritual walk- lately there are less "mountain top" experiences and more living life in the valley. I yearn for PASSION. I yearn for EXCITEMENT. I want to drown in Christ's love- bask in his glory.
Growing up in the 'Baptist Church' my relationship w/ God often feels more guilt-ridden. I HAVE to do devotions or I feel guilty. A friend challenged me, "Do you think God wants you to feel 'guilted' into a relationship w/ him? Does God want you to spend time w/ him because you HAVE to.....or because you want to?" So, I am learning to let go. It's OK to not be regimented into praying or spending time in His Word. I pray because I WANT to. I read the Bible not every day anymore because I have to. Sometimes I go weeks without going into His Word and then I am HUNGRY to know my Savior and I dive in. It's ok to be emotional about God- not just factual.
I heard the above song on the radio by Toby Mac and the words jumped out at me. I AM made to love him AND be loved by HIM. I adore my God but HE created me for a purpose, a reason and He longs for me as a human being. He has a plan for my life. Wow. I cried in my car as I heard this song. It was reassurance that my God wants to keep me. I AM HIS.... no matter what I am going through- how I mess up- or how 'good' I am being. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT--- without conditions. And then I fall- with reckless abandonment- into His arms and it is SAFE.
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