I have always been the "it" girl. Center of attention, tons of friends, life of the party... you get the picture. I was always the one everyone called to see what was going on for Friday night. My house was always the meeting place. Basically- life revolved around ME!
Now, I have a different picture painted. I live in a community in which I don't fit. It is a Christian community where everyone is married in their early 20s, has babies thereafter and lives happily ever after. This is the life I had set myself up for and it is hardly the life I am living.
I am divorced. I remarried a man 12 years older than me. I don't have kids and am not sure if I am set up for the whole kid thing. It is not outruled- just outthought at the moment. I work full time; none of my other friends do. I actually loath my job. It is boring and unfullfilling which creates a major problem.
Last night- I had a mini meltdown. For the 1st time ever, I feel misunderstood. The community around me is a giant puzzle and I am a piece that no longer fits. I no longer "mesh" with my friends who talk ONLY of breastfeeding, 2 year old temper tantrums and potty training. I assure you I am NOT exaggerating. I do hope someday that IF I have kids- my world will be bigger than my kids. That I will be a mom but also a wife, a friend to ALL people- those different and similar to me, a ministerer, a teacher of some sort and of course- a Christian light. You see- 1 aquaintenance I know gets it. She told me, "Taryn, yes I have a baby- but my husband and I decided that this baby would be an addition to our lives- not rule our lives. This baby is coming to be a part of our world- we are not changing our world because of her." What a good perspective.
I am caught viewing this puzzle of my life as an outsider. I got home last night and thought, "The old me would call up a friend to hang or go out. But, it's 7:30- they have kids who are involved in bath time or story-reading right before bed." And while I'm on this rant- what the heck ever happened to babysitters? ALL my friends have both parents and ALL siblings in town- yet in the past 2 years- whenever we hang out- they lug their kids with them EVERY TIME! I don't get it. I love kids- but as a mom- I would think even THEY would want a break every once in a while? (Even like once a year?) I feel like a bad person but I am frustrated.
When is it ok to just BE? What happens to people loving you for you? My friends who have kids literally "cut me off" because they are in a different phase. I don't understand. They hang out without me because "our kids need to socialize". The times of eating out, mini golfing, bowling- are now spent at playgrounds and McDondalds- during the day- when I work. I am left with a church I don't fit with- friends who don't fit- and babies, babies, babies.
Do I find new people? I have been attending a new small group with wonderful people who I gel with. And guess what? No babies or kid talk. It is a puzzle in which I fit! I have found a newer friend- a girl who is single, just bought a house, intelligent, loves God- and that just fits.
So, maybe it's ok that the old puzzle is just that- OLD. And I am on the crusp of something new. A new puzzle, new life- new experiences. And that is what life is all about.
