I have always been the "it" girl. Center of attention, tons of friends, life of the party... you get the picture. I was always the one everyone called to see what was going on for Friday night. My house was always the meeting place. Basically- life revolved around ME!
Now, I have a different picture painted. I live in a community in which I don't fit. It is a Christian community where everyone is married in their early 20s, has babies thereafter and lives happily ever after. This is the life I had set myself up for and it is hardly the life I am living.
I am divorced. I remarried a man 12 years older than me. I don't have kids and am not sure if I am set up for the whole kid thing. It is not outruled- just outthought at the moment. I work full time; none of my other friends do. I actually loath my job. It is boring and unfullfilling which creates a major problem.
Last night- I had a mini meltdown. For the 1st time ever, I feel misunderstood. The community around me is a giant puzzle and I am a piece that no longer fits. I no longer "mesh" with my friends who talk ONLY of breastfeeding, 2 year old temper tantrums and potty training. I assure you I am NOT exaggerating. I do hope someday that IF I have kids- my world will be bigger than my kids. That I will be a mom but also a wife, a friend to ALL people- those different and similar to me, a ministerer, a teacher of some sort and of course- a Christian light. You see- 1 aquaintenance I know gets it. She told me, "Taryn, yes I have a baby- but my husband and I decided that this baby would be an addition to our lives- not rule our lives. This baby is coming to be a part of our world- we are not changing our world because of her." What a good perspective.
I am caught viewing this puzzle of my life as an outsider. I got home last night and thought, "The old me would call up a friend to hang or go out. But, it's 7:30- they have kids who are involved in bath time or story-reading right before bed." And while I'm on this rant- what the heck ever happened to babysitters? ALL my friends have both parents and ALL siblings in town- yet in the past 2 years- whenever we hang out- they lug their kids with them EVERY TIME! I don't get it. I love kids- but as a mom- I would think even THEY would want a break every once in a while? (Even like once a year?) I feel like a bad person but I am frustrated.
When is it ok to just BE? What happens to people loving you for you? My friends who have kids literally "cut me off" because they are in a different phase. I don't understand. They hang out without me because "our kids need to socialize". The times of eating out, mini golfing, bowling- are now spent at playgrounds and McDondalds- during the day- when I work. I am left with a church I don't fit with- friends who don't fit- and babies, babies, babies.
Do I find new people? I have been attending a new small group with wonderful people who I gel with. And guess what? No babies or kid talk. It is a puzzle in which I fit! I have found a newer friend- a girl who is single, just bought a house, intelligent, loves God- and that just fits.
So, maybe it's ok that the old puzzle is just that- OLD. And I am on the crusp of something new. A new puzzle, new life- new experiences. And that is what life is all about.
3 comments:
Girl I love you. Believe me in all actuallity your perceptions on life and your own life are more accurate than you realize. Do not feel poorly about ANY of this. You are right!
I feel trapped by my life. I wish I had your zest and freedom. I LOVE all these things about you, among many more. And you are absolutely right, those particular friends with the the babies babies babies on the brain, have seriously at risk for or already have forgotten their own identities. Plz do not let that happen to you. There has to be balence, me time, friends time, and self reflection/growth time. Without it, we are left wondering what happened, is this right, or feeling left behind?
Having kids be the center of your universe is not healthy for the kids or for the parents. It over-stresses the children's roles in society and underminds the adults role and importance in the hierarchy of life thus creating an un-natural and un-healthy "reality" if you will. Plus then when these children leave the nest so to say, these parents are left with "empty nest syndrome" because they have lost their identity and their perspective of themselves. (I am sure many will disagree - go right ahead I don't care)
I made the mistake of this very thing. Now I am STRUGGLING to maintain my independence as a woman, and as a fun loving, individual with friends and a life outside of my home.
Honey we have met for little dinners at Panara and have several things incomon. Maybe its time to get together again.
Oh I have some friends at my church (which you went to for my wedding) that are literally in the same boat, some married some not, all without kids and looking for new and fun and most importantly CHRISTIAN young women to befriend. I think you and they would get along fab.
oh T... i do love you... and i'm so happy to be the new friend who fits. totally looking forward to bowling & chatting with you on Friday night.
and you could've called me last night... i was just praying and worrying for my friend. more on that later.
and i'm glad you've got a blog! :)
Like I said, if you decided never to have kids I will love you just the same. Please don't ever feel pressured to have kids! Enjoy your freedom. Just don't let yourself get too wrapped up in YOU - keep focused on Jesus and the people He has placed in your life to influence and love. Too many couples that never have kids - and even some who do - fail to give of themselves unselfishly. I guess kids usually force you to be less selfish, whether you like it or not. Either way there's a risk of focusing on the wrong thing: either ourselves or our kids. If we don't keep our eyes on Jesus, none of our relationships will be as fulfilling as they were meant to be.
I am so glad that you have your small group. Don't hold back with them - build new and lasting relationships! You don't have to feel like you're being disloyal to your other friends if you spend more time and energy on new relationships. They won't be replacements for your old friendships, they'll be additions. In fact, they'll probably make you like your old friends better because you won't get as frustrated by them if you aren't spending as much time with them.
God has plans for you. Do you believe that? We say it so much it has become cliche. But really He knows what He's doing! Trust Him.
Thanks for allowing me to take this journey with you!
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