More summer please!

I once again, am mourning summer. I really am depressed that summer is almost done. I need one more summer day- to go splashing around at the beach in Ludington. Just 1 more summer day- to cool off in my pool. Just 1 more day- to lay out and get a tan- and 1 more day of fresh berries, watermelon and eating ice cream. Ice cream tastes best in summer. I don't want winter- I don't even want Christmas. I just want 1 more day of summer.

Goodbye to my best friend

My heart is sad today. Yesterday my bestest buddy in the whole world, Kara, left for Nepal. She has been back in the states for 10 months. 10 months of reconnecting. 10 months of laughing, crying- and yes, our 1st fight even. 10 months of memories. One memory- about a week ago, we had 75 degree weather in April. Kara and I were in the mood for ice cream (a common theme, I must add). We decided to try a new place - and it was very disappointing. The guy scopping didn't know how to scoop. He handed Kara her cone and joked saying the icecream had mickey ears. haha- NOT. It was dripping everywhere. We both bought a double and it looked like a puny kid cone. Never mess with us and our ice cream. So, we embarked on a quest for more ice cream. We went to the Bumblebee, just as it was closing (at 2 in the afternoon!). We made a side trip to see our friend Terry, and just laughed and played games. Then, we went to Dairy Queen. We finally got our flurries and walked around the west side, by the zoo... just talking about nothing and everything. The day was unseasonably warm and sunny. This is how it is with Kara. We have fun doing nothing - and everything.

Kara is one of the most compassionate people I know. She is real. She does not shy away from talking about real stuff- even if it's hard. She has had a hard year but through it all, she has persevered. Yet, through it all, she can laugh and that in turn, makes me laugh. She's always up for an adventure. She's my partner in crime--- always loving a good prank. We threw a Hawaiin Lua this past summer and invited about 40 people. Beach music, grilling, the limbo (ok, there wasn't the limbo- corrected, or Kara would correct that, TRUST ME). The lua was great! We went to Florida together (again).... and of course, had ice cream just about every night. We laugh at the same things- and cry together. She loves hanging out with my husband and I. And my hubby loves her just as much as I do. Kara is passionate about her Savior. And Kara is passionate about Nepal. She is probably arriving there right about now as I write.

I am so glad that she is going back. But right now, I would like just one more trip to Cheshire with her. I would like to go fishing for Ol' Blue and try to catch more fish than her, just one more time. I would like to eat CiCis pizza and go go carting. I want to have one more conversation where we spill our guts to each other--- just one more before she is back there. Kara is like family to me--- in fact, not like--- she IS family to me. And as her Dad has told her- I will put one foot in front of the other--- and hopefully miss her a little less each day. Miss her less- hopefully, but always have her in my heart and prayers- until we see each other again.



PS- most of my blogs are sad... just realizing. I guess it is because i usually right when I am sad and full of emotion. :)

babies?

So I am turning 30 in a few months and feel no closer to having a decision in the baby dept. than I did 5 years ago. Surely turning 30 would kick me into gear. Surely by 30 I would have a few kids by now. And surely, I am turning 30 and don't know if I want a baby. People have kids for all kinds of reasons. Some have dreamt about kids their whole lives. Some want a little person to resemble them or their spouse. Some want kids to quench the loneliness and then have someone to take care of them when they are older. And some just jump into mommyhood without any what, where or how. I've been told that I will regret not having kids later in life. Yet, do I want a baby 'just in case'? That doesn't feel quite right either. And I am surprisingly content. I love my job, my life, my husband. Is that selfish? Is it ok to not? Or, is it ok to have a child when you are not sure if you want to?

FL - the last time?

So I just returned from FL with my best buddy Kara. As soon as the plane touched down, everything was the same. The smell of salt water mixed with orange blossoms, the trailer, fishing for Ol' Blue and catching turtles instead, being with my grandparents, Howard Park Beach. Leaving this year was so sad - I wondered if I would ever return. FL is the one place that remains unchanged since childhood. But now, my grandparents are getting older and my grandpa's alheizheimers is worse. He doesn't even remember where he is and he especially doesn't remember all the good times in FL. My grandma is stressed - and things are changing. Yet, this year was not too unlike any other year.... the beach. my grandma's strawberry shortcake, fresh squeezed juice ever morning, all the hilarious times with my grandparents. As my car pulled out of the dirt driveway- on my way to the airport, I took a long look backward and made a mental picture of everything about this place- including my grandparents. i doubt they will return to this special place next year. each year is worse for my grandpa. i memorized every detail- praying to God that I will return next year- and things will remain the same---- even though I know they can't possibly be the same any longer.

FL to me will always be a happy place- not because of the sun and sand- although that is part of it- but because of good times i've had with family and lots of good friends. It has not just been my place- but a place to so many of my friends along the way.... and THAT is what I will always cherish.

New Job

I changed jobs. I have been at this new job for 5 months and am really enjoying it. It is challenging, rewarding- I am using my creative side. I am definitely not bored! Amdist the enjoyment- I am stressed.... I lay away thinking--- am I doing a good job? am I earning my keep? My mind is constantly a whirlwind of thoughts. I know I am doing a good job- but the worry creaps in. I realize that there is no perfect situation. My other job was boring - non stressful- but with it, I felt trapped- with no meaning. Now, I have meaning in my life- have worth through my job and yet, the stress. I think I will take the latter. I have assurance that God has guided me to this place- after many, many months of prayer. He knows best and I am so thankful for the place I am at in my life!

Seasons

Yesterday was Labor Day. It was 85 degrees, sunny and my sister and I were helping my Dad close the pool. Closing the pool is worse than taking down the Christmas tree after the holidays. It marks a time when summer is officially over. 1 day, we are swimming and splashing around feeling the sun on our faces, watching the blue water sparkle and bounce- playing water volleyball ---- the next, I stare out at a depressing dark green winter pool cover. It is finished. Walks on the pier in Ludington- swimming in Lake Michigan - wearing shorts and flip flops- Sunday dinners of potato salad, hamburgers on the grill, fresh strawberry shortcake with sun tea. All of it is done- at least for this season. I love summer- it is my favorite time of year. To think of summer being done, brings a minor pang in my heart.

And yet, I awoke this morning- and put on a plaid, fallish looking skirt-- a dark top- and even snuck on a pair of sandals still. And I could not help but think that soon, the air will be crisp. I will see leaves start to change into brilliant fall colors - and as I run outside- I won't be hot anymore and will feel the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet. I will smell the smoke of bon fires. Robinettes will be abuzz with customers buying their famous apple cider. I can't wait to eat donuts, bake apple pie, see my nieces and nephew dressed up for Haloween. Yes, there is something special about Fall. And that is what I love about Michigan- the changes of seasons- one ends just as another begins- just like life.

God promises changes in our lives. Ecclesiasties 3 says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Each phase of life is met with newness- challenges, joy, and depening on the season- heartbreak. God brings beauty in the ashes- joy in the mourning - and promises LIFE. So no matter what season you are in- know there is another one- filled with emotions and memories all its own, just around the bend.

Job change

I loathe change. Change is hard and requires intense emotions, worries and many 'what ifs' for the future. I am in the midst of a job/career change. For 2 unhappy years, my brain has been as stale as a saltine cracker- crumbling with boredom each day I trudge to my job. Yet, it is far easier to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation than risk the unknown. I actually mulled over staying at my current position rather than leaving because of fear. Fear that I may fail. Fear of starting over. Fear that I may dislike this new position even more. I am not even 30 years old and I could easily be one of those people that is frozen in time- never risking because risk is too hard. It would be easier to stay in my little shell and peer at the world through my safe haven. Yet, we are called to live. I don't want to look back in 10 or 20+ years wondering, "Would if I had done this... would if I had taken that job... where would I be today?" My dad has a friend who remained at a terrible company for 27 years. This man could not make a decision and was fearful of change and the unknown. For 27 years he was incredibly miserable. Just 2 days ago- he walked off the job--- almost by force. 27 years wasted. 27 years unfulfilled, not living his purpose. I don't want to be that person.

I have prayed long and hard to God about living for Him, finding the purpose He has for me on this earth. And I have been clinging to this verse:

"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years..." Deut. 30:19

I want to choose life- even when it's hard. Even when things are uncomfortable. And when change is hard- I know I can hold fast to my God- for his ways are PERFECT. And He won't stear me wrong- as long as my head is lifted up to the heavens- wanting to do His best.