crazyt

More summer please!

2008-08-25T16:17:00.001-07:00

I once again, am mourning summer. I really am depressed that summer is almost done. I need one more summer day- to go splashing around at the beach in Ludington. Just 1 more summer day- to cool off in my pool. Just 1 more day- to lay out and get a tan- and 1 more day of fresh berries, watermelon and eating ice cream. Ice cream tastes best in summer. I don't want winter- I don't even want Christmas. I just want 1 more day of summer.

Goodbye to my best friend

2008-04-30T16:28:00.000-07:00

My heart is sad today. Yesterday my bestest buddy in the whole world, Kara, left for Nepal. She has been back in the states for 10 months. 10 months of reconnecting. 10 months of laughing, crying- and yes, our 1st fight even. 10 months of memories. One memory- about a week ago, we had 75 degree weather in April. Kara and I were in the mood for ice cream (a common theme, I must add). We decided to try a new place - and it was very disappointing. The guy scopping didn't know how to scoop. He handed Kara her cone and joked saying the icecream had mickey ears. haha- NOT. It was dripping everywhere. We both bought a double and it looked like a puny kid cone. Never mess with us and our ice cream. So, we embarked on a quest for more ice cream. We went to the Bumblebee, just as it was closing (at 2 in the afternoon!). We made a side trip to see our friend Terry, and just laughed and played games. Then, we went to Dairy Queen. We finally got our flurries and walked around the west side, by the zoo... just talking about nothing and everything. The day was unseasonably warm and sunny. This is how it is with Kara. We have fun doing nothing - and everything.

Kara is one of the most compassionate people I know. She is real. She does not shy away from talking about real stuff- even if it's hard. She has had a hard year but through it all, she has persevered. Yet, through it all, she can laugh and that in turn, makes me laugh. She's always up for an adventure. She's my partner in crime--- always loving a good prank. We threw a Hawaiin Lua this past summer and invited about 40 people. Beach music, grilling, the limbo (ok, there wasn't the limbo- corrected, or Kara would correct that, TRUST ME). The lua was great! We went to Florida together (again).... and of course, had ice cream just about every night. We laugh at the same things- and cry together. She loves hanging out with my husband and I. And my hubby loves her just as much as I do. Kara is passionate about her Savior. And Kara is passionate about Nepal. She is probably arriving there right about now as I write.

I am so glad that she is going back. But right now, I would like just one more trip to Cheshire with her. I would like to go fishing for Ol' Blue and try to catch more fish than her, just one more time. I would like to eat CiCis pizza and go go carting. I want to have one more conversation where we spill our guts to each other--- just one more before she is back there. Kara is like family to me--- in fact, not like--- she IS family to me. And as her Dad has told her- I will put one foot in front of the other--- and hopefully miss her a little less each day. Miss her less- hopefully, but always have her in my heart and prayers- until we see each other again.

PS- most of my blogs are sad... just realizing. I guess it is because i usually right when I am sad and full of emotion. :)

babies?

2008-04-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

So I am turning 30 in a few months and feel no closer to having a decision in the baby dept. than I did 5 years ago. Surely turning 30 would kick me into gear. Surely by 30 I would have a few kids by now. And surely, I am turning 30 and don't know if I want a baby. People have kids for all kinds of reasons. Some have dreamt about kids their whole lives. Some want a little person to resemble them or their spouse. Some want kids to quench the loneliness and then have someone to take care of them when they are older. And some just jump into mommyhood without any what, where or how. I've been told that I will regret not having kids later in life. Yet, do I want a baby 'just in case'? That doesn't feel quite right either. And I am surprisingly content. I love my job, my life, my husband. Is that selfish? Is it ok to not? Or, is it ok to have a child when you are not sure if you want to?

FL - the last time?

2008-03-09T20:48:00.001-07:00

So I just returned from FL with my best buddy Kara. As soon as the plane touched down, everything was the same. The smell of salt water mixed with orange blossoms, the trailer, fishing for Ol' Blue and catching turtles instead, being with my grandparents, Howard Park Beach. Leaving this year was so sad - I wondered if I would ever return. FL is the one place that remains unchanged since childhood. But now, my grandparents are getting older and my grandpa's alheizheimers is worse. He doesn't even remember where he is and he especially doesn't remember all the good times in FL. My grandma is stressed - and things are changing. Yet, this year was not too unlike any other year.... the beach. my grandma's strawberry shortcake, fresh squeezed juice ever morning, all the hilarious times with my grandparents. As my car pulled out of the dirt driveway- on my way to the airport, I took a long look backward and made a mental picture of everything about this place- including my grandparents. i doubt they will return to this special place next year. each year is worse for my grandpa. i memorized every detail- praying to God that I will return next year- and things will remain the same---- even though I know they can't possibly be the same any longer.

FL to me will always be a happy place- not because of the sun and sand- although that is part of it- but because of good times i've had with family and lots of good friends. It has not just been my place- but a place to so many of my friends along the way.... and THAT is what I will always cherish.

New Job

2008-01-20T14:26:00.000-08:00

I changed jobs. I have been at this new job for 5 months and am really enjoying it. It is challenging, rewarding- I am using my creative side. I am definitely not bored! Amdist the enjoyment- I am stressed.... I lay away thinking--- am I doing a good job? am I earning my keep? My mind is constantly a whirlwind of thoughts. I know I am doing a good job- but the worry creaps in. I realize that there is no perfect situation. My other job was boring - non stressful- but with it, I felt trapped- with no meaning. Now, I have meaning in my life- have worth through my job and yet, the stress. I think I will take the latter. I have assurance that God has guided me to this place- after many, many months of prayer. He knows best and I am so thankful for the place I am at in my life!

Seasons

2007-09-04T06:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Labor Day. It was 85 degrees, sunny and my sister and I were helping my Dad close the pool. Closing the pool is worse than taking down the Christmas tree after the holidays. It marks a time when summer is officially over. 1 day, we are swimming and splashing around feeling the sun on our faces, watching the blue water sparkle and bounce- playing water volleyball ---- the next, I stare out at a depressing dark green winter pool cover. It is finished. Walks on the pier in Ludington- swimming in Lake Michigan - wearing shorts and flip flops- Sunday dinners of potato salad, hamburgers on the grill, fresh strawberry shortcake with sun tea. All of it is done- at least for this season. I love summer- it is my favorite time of year. To think of summer being done, brings a minor pang in my heart.

And yet, I awoke this morning- and put on a plaid, fallish looking skirt-- a dark top- and even snuck on a pair of sandals still. And I could not help but think that soon, the air will be crisp. I will see leaves start to change into brilliant fall colors - and as I run outside- I won't be hot anymore and will feel the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet. I will smell the smoke of bon fires. Robinettes will be abuzz with customers buying their famous apple cider. I can't wait to eat donuts, bake apple pie, see my nieces and nephew dressed up for Haloween. Yes, there is something special about Fall. And that is what I love about Michigan- the changes of seasons- one ends just as another begins- just like life.

God promises changes in our lives. Ecclesiasties 3 says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Each phase of life is met with newness- challenges, joy, and depening on the season- heartbreak. God brings beauty in the ashes- joy in the mourning - and promises LIFE. So no matter what season you are in- know there is another one- filled with emotions and memories all its own, just around the bend.

Job change

2007-08-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

I loathe change. Change is hard and requires intense emotions, worries and many 'what ifs' for the future. I am in the midst of a job/career change. For 2 unhappy years, my brain has been as stale as a saltine cracker- crumbling with boredom each day I trudge to my job. Yet, it is far easier to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation than risk the unknown. I actually mulled over staying at my current position rather than leaving because of fear. Fear that I may fail. Fear of starting over. Fear that I may dislike this new position even more. I am not even 30 years old and I could easily be one of those people that is frozen in time- never risking because risk is too hard. It would be easier to stay in my little shell and peer at the world through my safe haven. Yet, we are called to live. I don't want to look back in 10 or 20+ years wondering, "Would if I had done this... would if I had taken that job... where would I be today?" My dad has a friend who remained at a terrible company for 27 years. This man could not make a decision and was fearful of change and the unknown. For 27 years he was incredibly miserable. Just 2 days ago- he walked off the job--- almost by force. 27 years wasted. 27 years unfulfilled, not living his purpose. I don't want to be that person.

I have prayed long and hard to God about living for Him, finding the purpose He has for me on this earth. And I have been clinging to this verse:

"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years..." Deut. 30:19

I want to choose life- even when it's hard. Even when things are uncomfortable. And when change is hard- I know I can hold fast to my God- for his ways are PERFECT. And He won't stear me wrong- as long as my head is lifted up to the heavens- wanting to do His best.

Music for eternity

2007-08-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday, my Grandma invited me on a bus tour trip along with all her senior citizen friends. Before my Grandpa passed away, the 2 of them went on many of such tours. Ironically, my husband has been dying to go on a bus tour, which I have responded with a firm and passionate, "NO!!" "Those bus tours are full of old people," I recounted.

Bright and early Saturday morning, we set off for a day trip to Shipshewana. Having never been on a bus tour or Shipshewana, I had no idea what to expect. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I saw a sea of white heads, everywhere I looked. Each person was warm and welcoming. "What do you do, dear?" "How long have you been married?" My 1 1/2 years paled in comparison to 55 years, 57 years, even 60+ years.

We ate a wonderful amish meal, shopped in all the quaint stores and the highlight- hearing my all time favorite pianist in person - Dino Kartsonakis. I have all of his piano books and have played many of his pieces at my church. To see him in person was a real treat. In fact, almost every song he played- my eyes welled up with tears. He was marvelous- and the pieces he played were entirely worshipful, giving glory to God. I surveyed the audience of white heads and as the hymn 'How Great Thou Art' (my favorite hymn ever) was played- I heard soft humming coming from the crowd. This was a little slice of heaven. I couldn't wait to be in glory someday, with all these dear saints - singing praises to God. Dino's hands flew over the keys, creating a great rippling effect. I could hardly keep my eyes focused- his fingers moved that fast! Wow, it truly took my breath away.

I couldn't believe I was here - in that moment, listening to Dino- being with my Grandma, worshipping God in this fashion. It was incredible. Then, the unthinkable happened. There was a drawing at the close of a concert to win a free CD by Dino. My name was drawn!! I jumped up- Dino asked me to come down. I told him how I have all of his piano books- how I played a lot of his songs at my church. He gave me a big hug and asked me to perform a duet with him. The song he mentioned was 1 I knew well. In fact, it was the 1st piece I ever learned by him- My Tribute. I chickened out. Playing with such an icon was entirely intimidating to me at that moment. Looking back, I wish I would have done it. I wish I would have risked the embarrassment of maybe messing up - getting a wrong note- for the chance to play with such a legend.

Yet, I left there a better person. The words of 'My Tribute' flooded my heart and mind.

"How can I say thanks for the things You have done for me? Things so undeserved, yet You gave to prove Your love for me; the voices of a million angels could not express my gratitude. All that I am and ever hope to be, I owe it all to Thee."

God blessed me that day in a million little ways..... my Grandma, all her old friends, the worship music, and getting to meet someone who I have admired from afar for many years now. They say music opens the window to the soul- and I have to agree. For that special day, created music in me that will last for eternity. To God be the glory- great things he has done!

Young dating

2007-07-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

Relationships are a funny thing. Funnier yet? The palethera of young men I chose for various past relationships. I had no type. There is no rhyme or reason to the "chosen ones" except for the stage I was at in my life.

14- young, naive- I fell for the popular, tall, good looking- all around American Guy. That is until, like all young 1st loves at 14 years old- died. I cried into my pillow- my heart smashed into pieces- that is, for a few weeks- until I fell for guy #2 - Mr. Sensitive actor. He was a few years older and I fell HARD. We read Shakespear, talked about various philosophers, the deeper meaning of life. When the snow fell- he offered to carry me in his arms so my feet wouldn't get wet. I declined- the sole reason- there was no way Mr. Actor had the physical strength or physique to even pick me up. Ours was a whirlwind courtship - the first guy to say "I love you". Poetry readings by moonlight- dances under the stars- and verbal passion. Declarations of love- followed by heated, intense arguments. Such a thin line between love and hate. The relationship went sour when he broke up with me to go off to college. I gave him back his class ring- only to watch him throw it into the shrubs in my yard, dramatically stating, "If you don't have it- I don't want any girl to!" He compared himself to the song "Bohemian Rhapsody"--- telling me when he "found" himself- he'd be back for me. He drove away with my heart that fatal afternoon. The ending of that relationship truly broke something inside of me for good- that i never recovered. It was more painful than any other relationship ending to date. Life moved forward--- 2 years I pined for Mr. Sensitive Actor. I remember clearly the day his wedding invitation came- I could not bear to open it- much less actually go to his happily ever after.

2 years later- having lost all hope of ever finding the passion of the past- I met Mr. Ordinary. A little pudgy- not tall at all- wearing a baseball cap and tshirt quite consistently. He was my best friend- and he loved me unconditionally. I was not attracted to him outwardly but he was the best kisser I'd ever had. How can you have a physical connection w/ someone you don't find physically attractive? It was pure craziness. This guy was the real deal... after 2 years- he wanted to marry me. I had very little reason not to- but I kept thinking, "would if there's someone more..." More what? I wasn't sure- just MORE. 2 1/2 years later- I let him go.... and crushed him unintentionally like Mr. Actor had crushed me.

I learned important lessons in those formidable years- the outside appearance has little to do w/ the inside- you can find true love early- dating can be a crushing experience- but you grow, laugh, love and change all the while. And oh yeah- you'll never be the same again. Each guy that came along in my life- taught me something- for there were many more interesting ones that came along-

Mr. Brooding/tough guy
Mr. non-commital artist
Mr. ex-body builder
yeah- I even had a Mr. Internet boy, what can i say?

But those stories---- will be left up to your imagination!

My Grandpa--- memories

2007-07-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

I am fortunate to have known all 4 Grandparents for my lifetime. I am one of the few who can say my Grandparents are as close to me as my own parents. I'm almost 30 years old and I have 3 out of the 4 still living.

My Grandpa has alheizheimers. This strong man who gives the biggest bear hugs is changing. He could fix anything and regularly did so- for his own family and then friends and friends of friends. He worked for the gas company and spent much of his career working nights in the ghetto. Always being a tough, muscular man with the biggest hands known to man--- he could protect himself. One particular call he answered in the middle of the night proved dangerous. He entered a house at 2 AM only to have the door swing shut behind him. He was surrounded by 4 burly ghetto guys. They circled in towards him. He dropped his tool bag, which served as a distraction. In the blink of an eye- he took 2 guys- one in each hand and cluncked their heads together. They were knocked out, laying on the floor. He punched the 3rd guy in the throat- down he went. The last "tough" guy stood there trembling. "What'll it be," my Grandpa asked. "I don't mean no trouble, man" the guy stammered. My Grandpa left. Word got around quickly in the inner city about my Granpda. He was a guy that would give the shirt off his back to the people who lived there; often fixing extra things for free. They also knew not to mess with him. Other guys from the gas company tried to work in the ghetto; each one resulting in numerous trips to the hospital. But, not my Grandpa- he was strong, respectable and did his best for the people there. That's just how he is.

My husband and I went over to my grandparent's house last night for pizza. My Grandpa talks and smiles but there is a distance in his eyes. He can't remember. He can't very well follow a conversation anymore. The disease has changed his personality, his mannerisms and a stranger has taken over his mind and body. The one thing unchanged- his big hands, still covered in callouses. The way he wraps me up in a big bear hug and still calls me his "#1 baby". "You're still my baby, you know," he'll say, "no matter how old you get". I smile and say, "I know Granpda, I know".

I can't help but wonder when he'll forget that I'm his baby. When will he forget that he likes to give bear hugs. When he'll stop carrying around a piece of blonde hair of my Grandma's from when she was 18 in his wallet. When he'll stop praying daily for his family. He use to pray for everyone by name- but he can't remember all the names.

I still have pieces of my Grandpa that alheizheimers has not yet taken. I hold onto those snippets tightly, never knowing when they will be gone- permanetly. I'm thankful for each and every day with him. The times I talk to him- I know he won't remember in an hour. But I've learned an important thing- to live in the moment. For in that moment that he hugs me tight, it brings joy to him. The things I tell him brings laughter, in that minute. Seeing a smile come to his face, living in real time is worth it. Though he can't remember- I do. And those current times will be memories that will stay with me always. It's not just about him- it's about me.... having my Granpda now. Enjoying him in "the now". Knowing it's change- but thankful for each and every day with him.

2007-07-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

Why do I love Ludington? It is a small town with the most beautiful pristine beaches anywhere. It is the town partially responsible for my husband and I falling in love.

We had just started "hanging out" and I had bought tickets for the "Newsboys" concert. It was the day before the concert when Rick received the call that his Grandpa was not doing well. I did not know him that well then. With the concert dissolved, we drove up to Ludington. Rick and I walked the shore, hand in hand as he spoke of his childhood. The sun sparkled on the waves as we made our way out to the pier. He pointed out the spot where him and his Grandma went fishing. I heard about the cane pole she used and how after fishing, they would pick up his Grandpa's check and get Kentucky Fried Chicken for everyone. He pointed out 'Johnny's' of Custer- a roller rink where he went skating. We drove by hayfields where he worked as a kid to- yep, you guessed it- earn money for rollerskating! Along the drive, he showed me the trailer he lived in with his mom and brother. Little pieces of this man came together like a puzzle.

I was honored to meet his Aunt and Grandpa. And more honored that he would introduce me into his world. Many more trips to Ludington came and went. Many more talks; both funny and serious. Worries seemed to disappear in this town and special memories were made. We were married 2 years later and of course- the honeymoon ended up being in Ludington!

This town is also the place we drove back up to during Rick's grandpa's last moments on earth. We were still just dating. And I watched my sweetheart approach his Grandpa's bed in the nursing home. I stood in the doorway and watched as he pushed the hair back from his Grandpa's eyes; rubbed his head and soothingly talked to him. I heard Rick praying, while clutching his Grandpa's hand, telling him it is ok and saying goodbye. Tears were in my eyes. I sat in the meeting while Rick supported his Aunt, as hospice talked to the 2 of them. In the saddest of moments, love welled in my heart for Rick. And Ludington was part of that.

A few weekends ago- we drove up to Ludington. Each trip is unique in its own way. We walked hand in hand throughout an art fare. We stopped at the local bakery, owned by the same family since 1904. We talked to the girl at the front desk of the Best Western- she was from Custer and Rick and her spent some time talking over past people in the town. And the evening ended at Stearns Park, watching a beautiful sunset dip below the water.

I don't know what it is about Ludington. Something calm and sweet and breathless takes place once we drive into this town. And I know many future memories will take place there. After all- it is the town that love built.... at least for the 2 of us.

Complete and Utter JOY

2007-07-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

Psalm 126:3
The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

Joy is not an emotion; although it can be. It’s more of a state of mind and heart.

God fills me w/ love, life and JOY.

He makes me ALIVE!! Because of Him, I can truly REJOICE!

I am joyful for SO many reasons but all those reasons begin and end with my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has blessed me w/ many wonderful joyful moments that reflect back to Him! A few of them, I pondered below.

-Out West, I was camping with my family at Bryce Canyon. At midnight- we went to the side of the canyon and saw thousands of stars. To serve a Creator like that is AMAZING!!

-I was saved at a young age- but more memorable was my Baptism at 12 years of age. That whole night after I was baptized, I was filled with such peace and joy!

-Good friends- laughing ‘til our sides hurt

-Heart to heart talks

-Realness – in people. Where I’m at in my life- I LOVE people who are genuine!

-Florida- Howard Park Beach! I love driving thru the vegetation just to turn the corner and see ocean waves and blue sky--- it gets me misty eyed every time!

-Disney World- Lynds and I waiting for the park to open- listening to the countdown of the opening to the park that day. We both looked at each other and had so much joy we were crying!

-U.P. of Michigan – sitting on the dock doing devotions w/ Erin and singing praises to our God

-Ludington sunsets with my Sweetie!

-Ludington- driving down the main strip- small town feel – passing bed and breakfasts, hanging flower pots on lamp posts – pure JOY!

-Eating lunch on the wall by the river w/ Terry – talking about nothing and everything

-Pranks w/ Kara (and again- heart to heart talks too!)

-Christmas morning!

-My wedding day with Rick – one of the top joyful moments!

-Playing piano in the nursing home & seeing people w/ alheizhemers/dementia singing to all the old familiar hymns

-Serving God

-Singing praises to God along with 100 other college kids in our Chancel Singers choir

-Our last hurrah FL trip – being w/ friends – Blizzard beach!

-Playing w/ my nieces and nephew

-Being in church- listening to those around me sing - getting goosebumps- feeling the Holy Spirit- thinking this is a little slice of heaven

-My sisters- we’re all so different- yet we get each other

-Watching the Badger come in and waving at all the people on the boat. Everyone is laughing and waving and shouting as the Badger toots its horn.

-My husband’s laugh- then making me laugh

-Being married to my best friend

God has blessed all of us w/ joyful moments…..

Moments that SPARKLE DANCE..... moments made for WORSHIP!!

Whatever happened to passion?

2007-07-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

So much is on my heart this morning. I am not a fan of Christian radio but I was flipping through the stations and came upon a Christian song that spoke directly to me. Some of the lyrics were,

Whatever happened to a passion I could live for?
What became of the flame that made me feel more?
And when did I forget that...

I was made to love you.
I was made to find you.
I was made just for you- Made to adore you.
I was made to love - and be loved by you.
You were here before me.
You were waiting on me.
And you said you'd keep me.
Never would you leave me.
I was made to love and be loved by you.

The older I get in my faith- the easier it is to become stagnent. I have the head knowledge- but to be EXCITED about Christ is another matter. On my spiritual walk- lately there are less "mountain top" experiences and more living life in the valley. I yearn for PASSION. I yearn for EXCITEMENT. I want to drown in Christ's love- bask in his glory.

Growing up in the 'Baptist Church' my relationship w/ God often feels more guilt-ridden. I HAVE to do devotions or I feel guilty. A friend challenged me, "Do you think God wants you to feel 'guilted' into a relationship w/ him? Does God want you to spend time w/ him because you HAVE to.....or because you want to?" So, I am learning to let go. It's OK to not be regimented into praying or spending time in His Word. I pray because I WANT to. I read the Bible not every day anymore because I have to. Sometimes I go weeks without going into His Word and then I am HUNGRY to know my Savior and I dive in. It's ok to be emotional about God- not just factual.

I heard the above song on the radio by Toby Mac and the words jumped out at me. I AM made to love him AND be loved by HIM. I adore my God but HE created me for a purpose, a reason and He longs for me as a human being. He has a plan for my life. Wow. I cried in my car as I heard this song. It was reassurance that my God wants to keep me. I AM HIS.... no matter what I am going through- how I mess up- or how 'good' I am being. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT--- without conditions. And then I fall- with reckless abandonment- into His arms and it is SAFE.

life changes

2007-06-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have always been the "it" girl. Center of attention, tons of friends, life of the party... you get the picture. I was always the one everyone called to see what was going on for Friday night. My house was always the meeting place. Basically- life revolved around ME!

Now, I have a different picture painted. I live in a community in which I don't fit. It is a Christian community where everyone is married in their early 20s, has babies thereafter and lives happily ever after. This is the life I had set myself up for and it is hardly the life I am living.

I am divorced. I remarried a man 12 years older than me. I don't have kids and am not sure if I am set up for the whole kid thing. It is not outruled- just outthought at the moment. I work full time; none of my other friends do. I actually loath my job. It is boring and unfullfilling which creates a major problem.

Last night- I had a mini meltdown. For the 1st time ever, I feel misunderstood. The community around me is a giant puzzle and I am a piece that no longer fits. I no longer "mesh" with my friends who talk ONLY of breastfeeding, 2 year old temper tantrums and potty training. I assure you I am NOT exaggerating. I do hope someday that IF I have kids- my world will be bigger than my kids. That I will be a mom but also a wife, a friend to ALL people- those different and similar to me, a ministerer, a teacher of some sort and of course- a Christian light. You see- 1 aquaintenance I know gets it. She told me, "Taryn, yes I have a baby- but my husband and I decided that this baby would be an addition to our lives- not rule our lives. This baby is coming to be a part of our world- we are not changing our world because of her." What a good perspective.

I am caught viewing this puzzle of my life as an outsider. I got home last night and thought, "The old me would call up a friend to hang or go out. But, it's 7:30- they have kids who are involved in bath time or story-reading right before bed." And while I'm on this rant- what the heck ever happened to babysitters? ALL my friends have both parents and ALL siblings in town- yet in the past 2 years- whenever we hang out- they lug their kids with them EVERY TIME! I don't get it. I love kids- but as a mom- I would think even THEY would want a break every once in a while? (Even like once a year?) I feel like a bad person but I am frustrated.

When is it ok to just BE? What happens to people loving you for you? My friends who have kids literally "cut me off" because they are in a different phase. I don't understand. They hang out without me because "our kids need to socialize". The times of eating out, mini golfing, bowling- are now spent at playgrounds and McDondalds- during the day- when I work. I am left with a church I don't fit with- friends who don't fit- and babies, babies, babies.

Do I find new people? I have been attending a new small group with wonderful people who I gel with. And guess what? No babies or kid talk. It is a puzzle in which I fit! I have found a newer friend- a girl who is single, just bought a house, intelligent, loves God- and that just fits.

So, maybe it's ok that the old puzzle is just that- OLD. And I am on the crusp of something new. A new puzzle, new life- new experiences. And that is what life is all about.